Personal Identity Post: Mother FIRST, All Else...

I am very excited about this guest post from Jennifer of Hybrid Rasta Mama, and the perspective she shares with us today. The question of who you are first, or most, at your core is one that I ponder often. Am I mother first? Wife second? Who holds rank above the other?

Being a product of divorce, two times over, I always swore my husband would come first. My mindset resting in the premise that my children would ultimately benefit from putting the security of my marriage before my identity as a mother.

 

Except actually becoming a mom changed my mindset entirely and I have found it extremely difficult to balance my identity as mother with the all the rest {wife, specifically}. My babies are so small; they need so much of me. My babies are so impressionable; they adsorb everything that I offer them. And, in terms of my role as a mother, I feel a strong desire to remained focused on them during these formidable years.

I agree with Jennifer: our identity changes over time and over the course of our children's lives. There will be opportunities to share focus on other facets of life with those separate from motherhood. But, for me, that time has not yet arrived...

Although a long read, I hope you take the time to consider Jennifer's message. As a new mom of two, it certainly struck at my core and excited me to know that other parents live like us... as a family and parents first and spouses second {and without guilt!}.... and still manage to lead committed, happy and successful marriages.

Jennifer,

Because of your graceful honesty, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I want to thank you, from the bottom of my fragile heart, for giving me the courage to say:

As of today, I am mom first.

I won't apologize. I won't deny. I will simply say that, together with my like-minded husband, our children come first and above all else. It won't always be that way, they won't always need us like this, but for now: we are parents first.

Much love my friend,

Vanessa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My personal opinion on motherhood and the role of a woman as a mother has changed so much now that I am a mother.  In fact, it changed in that first nanosecond when I felt my daughter being pulled feet first out of my womb. My previous life was no more.

Before becoming a mother I never gave any thought to the question of where the line between being a mother, a wife, a family member, a friend, and yourself is drawn. I never questioned if a line even existed. Do these roles all blur together? Should they blur together? Should they be distinct roles that remain separate? Should they be distinct roles that intermingle? Can you stop being a mother from time to time so that you can just enjoy life for your own self?

Whew! 

These are all heavy questions and if I asked EVERY single mother on the face of the earth what her opinion is, no two would be the same. We all balance the people in our life differently. Every mother must do what is best for her, her child. In addition, motherhood will look different from one day to the next, one month to the next, and one year to the next. So will a mother’s relationship with all the other people in her life. So there is really no easy answer to the questions I posed. I think that the answer will even change if you asked it to the same mom every few years. We are all on our own personal journey as mothers.

Having said that, I do have a strong personal opinion on MY identity as a mother as well as my identity as a wife, daughter, and friend. Love it or hate it, but please respect it.

My daughter recently turned three years old. For the past three years she has needed ME the majority of the time for a multitude of reasons. I think that this is true for many (READ: NOT ALL) babies and young children. Mama provides so many things that no one else can. I am passionate about my role as a mother and believe strongly in meeting all of my child’s needs. If this means making sacrifices in some of my personal relationships, then so be it. The time in which children are this young, and this dependent upon their mother, is so very short in the grand scheme of life. So I embrace it. 

But I HAVE NOT LOST my identity as a wife, a daughter, or a friend. I am still me. I am still Jennifer. I still love reggae. I still like the same foods. I still love the ocean. I still enjoy the great outdoors. I still love to hear the sound of rain falling. I still love the smell of wet pavement. I would still rather live in Jamaica. I still enjoy it when someone else cooks for me. I cannot get enough of my husband’s goofy laugh. I giggle every time my mom throws out one of her “momisms.” I thrive on my father’s work ethic and honestly. None of that has changed. Just because I am a mom does not mean that I have lost who I am. I have just decided that certain things I used to enjoy doing can be put on the backburner for a while. 

I am a mother first. I am a wife second. I am a daughter third. I am a friend fourth. 

EVERYONE in my life who matters understands this. They respect this. And we all have strong relationships. My husband and I are able to do little things to keep our relationship strong. We spend moments alone when we can and make that time count. But, we enjoy spending time together as a family more. We want our daughter to have a strong sense of family and to see that mommy and daddy enjoy being together, with her. We keep our problems to ourselves and work them out away from her. She does not need to see all that right now. We both accept that right now, our relationship is about being parents – a mom and a dad. We are committed to keeping our relationship strong, united, loving, and respectful even if that means we do so by reconnecting in the small moments. And that works for US! Our relationship has never needed a lot in terms of the quantity of time spent together. For us, it is quality. And quality can happen in five minutes. (Minds out of the gutter folks!)

I am a mother first. I will say it again. I ALWAYS have to be a mother. If I go out and get plastered and something happened to my daughter while I was gone I may not have time to sober up and remerge myself in motherhood after my headache subsides.  I may be called to duty right then and there. The choices I make as Jennifer, the person other than mama, will effect who I might have to be as a mother at any given moment. So while my daughter is so very young and tender, I am careful about my choices. My choices are made through mommy lenses, not Jennifer lenses, not wife lenses, not daughter lenses. I am responsible for another human being, a life too young to live without me. My daughter cannot make her own food or get in the tub by herself so how I can “not always be a mother?”

I am not at all suggesting that anyone lose their identity when she becomes a mother. You just have to figure out the balance and blend that works for you. My friends with older children have done wonderful jobs at being mothers first, while their children really needed them and putting other relationships to pasture for a while. As their children grew and could be more independent and not as reliant on mom, those relationships were recultivated and grew even stronger. I personally think that this is because those moms did what they were called to do at that point in their lives. They gave themselves into motherhood as fully as they were comfortable with and when the time came to go back out there and take some time to relish in a momentary mom free moment, these moms were able to do so freely and without guilt. And the guilt thing – awful. There is nothing worth doing if guilt is attached to it.

I cannot end this post without commenting on husbands and families. First, a husband will hopefully be understanding of his children’s development and their personal needs and allow his wife to care for those needs uninhibited by spousal guilt, threats, control, or force. A husband will hopefully be as equal of a parenting partner as time and responsibilities allow. A husband will hopefully join his wife on their journey of molding their new relationships together as parents first, a couple second. A husband will hopefully enjoy the small moments with his wife and learn to connect and grow as a couple in a different way. A husband will hopefully respect the importance of his wife being a mother.

Extended family will hopefully be supportive of your family and your family’s child-rearing decisions and accompanying lifestyle. They will hopefully help and not hinder you as a family. They will understand that sometimes you will not be able to accommodate their needs or wishes but that at the end of the day, you will all still be family.

I also want to mention that I understand the importance of a healthy relationship with your spouse which serves as a model of a healthy relationship for your children. If you and your partner do not have a healthy relationship then yes, it may be imperative that you step back from your role as a mother just a little to seek professional help to balance and grow your relationship with your husband. But this is only something that each couple can decide. I feel that it is equally important to make sure that by stepping back from mommy duty, your children’s needs are still being met. Because remember, they are much smaller, have not yet developed the ability to process what goes on around them properly, and may be more affected by mom’s scaled down role than their parent’s relationship. So you have to look at the complete picture and then make the judgment call of how much to give to everyone in your family.

In case you are a skip-the-middle-read-the-last-paragraph person, I want to emphasize that I embrace my role as a mother, have chosen by my own free will to put being a mother first (and feel in my soul that this is what I should do), feel that a mom is ALWAYS a mom no matter what, and understand that as my daughter gets older my role as a mom will shift and allow me more time to enjoy the other roles and relationships I have in my life. My husband and I are fine and will continue to cultivate our relationship. We do what is best for our family and I bless everyone doing what is best for theirs. The thing that I love most in this world is that human beings have an amazing ability to find their way in life and typically make the right choices along the way. Right for who? Maybe not you, but that is ok. Your journey is yours and yours alone.

So here is a little poem for you all:

I am mama, hear me roar

As a wife, I will soar

I am a daughter, near or far

I am your friend, no matter where you are

About Hybrid Rasta Mama

Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama, is a former government recruiter turned stay-at-home mama to a precious daughter (“Tiny”) brought earthside in early 2009. She is passionate about conscious parenting, natural living, holistic health/wellness, real foods, and a Waldorf inspired approach to education. Jennifer is committed to breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), bed-sharing, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, playful parenting, and getting children outside. She is a hybrid parent, taking a little of this, throwing in a little of that, and blending it all together to create a parenting style that is centered on what her daughter needs in order to flourish as a human being. Jennifer also lives and breathes reggae music, the Rastafarian culture and way of life. Reggae music and its message touches her soul.

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I AM MOM ENOUGH! And So Are You!

As if you haven't read, seen or heard, this is the cover of TIME Magazine's May issue hitting stands today... two days before Mother's Day. The tag line eludes to the article's bias towards attachment parenting and suggests that those of us who do not conform to those standards are not "mom enough". Well, that sucks. And I'll tell you why.

But, because I'm sure focus will immediately turn towards the image of momsla.com blogger Jamie Lynn Grumet nursing her almost four year old son, let's chat some about that....

First off, who in heaven's name nurses like that? Standing up? With child standing on a chair? And is it me, or is TIME Magazine and their provocative imagine trying to sexualize {a.k.a. sell more magazines} the most natural act of nursing? Goodness gracious, get over it. Women feed their babies from their breast. There is nothing sexual about the experience whatsoever. Neither is it headline news. Move. On.

Secondly, how you feed your child is a highly personal decision. Whether or not you breastfeed, and for how long, is not a topic I would ever attack another mother for. However, since we are on topic, these are my personal beliefs....

~ I'm not a medical professional, but from my limited knowledge, is it a fact that {for the average, healthy woman} breastfeeding is the healthiest option available for baby.
~ I breastfed Alina, and will hopefully breastfeed Sebastian, for the first twelve months.
~ I believe it is an incredible act of love, nurture and an experience I will cherish for all of my life.
~ Breastfeeding is the hardest natural act I have ever undertaken, and I had to show a huge amount of commitment to be successful in it {with Alina, Sebastian has been a breeze}.
~ I had/have no desire to breastfeed my kids any longer than 12 months, when at which time they can sufficiently meet their dietary needs from regular food. For me, I was a happier mother being able to gain some independence, as well as my body, back after nearly two years of committing it to the creation and nourishment of my children. Breastfeeding is a two way street, and after 12 months, my street was no longer a willing route of nourishment or comfort. My love, hugs, kisses, embrace and adoration will always be plentiful, however. I would never judge you for breastfeeding your four year old, so don't judge me for stopping at one.

And since the article apparently bases the compelling cover on the idea that attachment parenting is superior to, um, 'other' parents, these are my beliefs on AP...

~ I do not cosleep. In fact, I don't think I would sleep at all if Alina were in our bed. She loves her bed, as do I, and this is how our family gets down as far as sleep goes. To each their own.
~ I adore, love, am crazy about babywearing. Did I mention I love carrying my baby whenever possible or necessary to calm them down? I don't believe for one second that I am spoiling them by doing so.
~ I do not subscribe to CIO methods, mostly because Alina is as stubborn as I am and would never stop crying. Like, ever. Sebastian has a different temperament, but Daddy D and I are both against letting him cry it out for no reason {obviously, while driving in a car, you don't really have a choice}.
~ In regards to raising a toddler, I am a chronic disciplinarian. I hold Alina to age appropriate standards of behavior, don't give her a laundry list of choices throughout the day, and kind of run this shop dictator style. So what? We like rules. Does that make me a bad mom? One that restricts her development by containing her to boundaries? You can judge me when my kid says please and thank you without prompts at our next play date.

So, now that we've cleared the air, let me get on with what REALLY ircked me about this cover....

Time Magazine, are you seriously suggesting that I am not MOM enough because I don't breastfeed indefinitely or parent by every parameter of Dr. Sear's AP theories?

If so, my answer is YES. I am. And this is why:

~ I parent my children with purporse and awareness, every. single. day.
~ When Alina wakes up each morning, I act like I haven't seen in her in years. And truth is, I missed her tremendously while she was asleep. She is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, and I get to wake up to her every day.
~ I love their Father. Forever.

And the most profound reason why I know that I am MOM enough...

~ Sebastian stops crying the nanosecond he is in my arms. Sometimes I feel like his eyes are scraping every last detail of my face and committing it into his memory. He melts into the cradle of my arm and becomes contented by the sound of my voice. And when I run my cheek along his, his eyes close in a blissful state of calm.

I don't need TIME Magazine to tell me that I am MOM enough.

For heaven's sake, you don't either! YOU are MOM enough! Whether you breastfed or not, whether you cosleep or babywear or CIO or feed on demand or on a schedule... YOU ARE MOM ENOUGH!

This Mother's Day, let's practice some comradery. We all struggle in some way, succeed is others, and LOVE our children in unfathomable capacities. Engaging in some media-hyped mom war over parenting theories conjugred up by a man {oh yes, I just went there} does nothing to empower and uplift mothers. And when it comes to motherhood, we could all use a little uplifting.

How does the saying go... 'Nobodies happy if Momma ain't happy'? Not sure about you, but raising happy kids {while being a happy mom} is all that really matters to me.

Sports And Family: The Family That Hoops Together

I bet ya'll didn't know that I was a basketball wife, huh? Sure, I'm not fabulously strutting around South Beach or sipping champagne with Shaunie O'Neal, and I'm certainly got getting in wildly insane cat fights, but Daddy D did play professional basketball over seas for most of his 20's. He played all over the world; in Australia, China, Mexico, just to name a few places. Pretty cool, huh?

Daddy D has had a love affair with basketball since he was very young, and it has continued into his adult {nonprofessional} years as well. Even to this day, other than being with his family, there is pretty much nothing else Daddy D would rather do with his time. Despite days of sore, aching joints and limbs {he is an old man now, after all}, Daddy D would play for hours on end if his schedule allowed it. He simply loves everything about basketball and how it makes him feel.

I can appreciate Daddy D's love of his sport. Although to a lesser degree, I was an athlete in my youth. I was a soccer player, and a large part of my identity was based on the people, scheduling and mindset that being an athlete entailed. Last year, I made the conscience decision to let go of that aspect of my identity and wrote about the emotional experience in this post: Hanging Up My Soccer Cleats. Giving up soccer was not a decision I took lightly.

Regardless, a part of my core will always be influenced by values inherent to team orientated sports. And the truth is, I want my kids to grow up with that influence as well. Daddy D and I plan to incorporate organized, competitive sports into each of their lives at a young age. We are SUPER excited for the family weekends packed with events and memory making that organized sports facilitate, too.

Recently, Daddy D joined an old man league {that's not the official league name; just what I call it} for the last few weeks of its season. The guys that set up the team were peer pressuring him to commit to the entire 10 week schedule, and although he would have loved to play the whole season, I had to put my foot down and explain to D that we were going to very busy, ohhh, bringing home a brand new baby. Basketball would have to wait. I'm a horrible wife, I know. But when the team was short several players, he convinced me that it was time to jump in and play. "You can even bring the kids to watch me play!", he says.

Oh joy.

I ultimately decided to embrace the opportunity, not only to support Daddy D in his old man basketball career, but to begin Alina's exposure to organized sports. It won't be long before this little sweetheart is introduced to the concepts of team play, rules and regulations, and sportsmanship.

Basketball may not be her strong suit, however. This was her idea of "dribbling"...

Alina had a great time rooting for Daddy D {"Go Daddy, go!!"}; any opportunity to be as loud as she wants is a fun time for her, actually. It was sweet to see her brimming with pride... she is still talking about that basketball game. At home, she ices her knees with Daddy and nags him to stretch {she gets the nagging part from me}.

I can't believe how fast our eldest is growing, and knowing that new adventures and experiences await us brings so much excitement too!

Do your kids play sports? As a parent, do you capitalize on its inherent values to teach your kids about teamwork and commitment? Any suggestions for what to put this girly girl in?

Happy Wednesday!

Sebastian: One Month Old

Mi quierdo Hijo, amor de mi vida...

You are one month old! And while I am amazed at how quickly the time has flown, oh, what a wild month it was, my sweet Sebastian...

At birth you weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces, but, like most newborns do, when we left the hospital you had lost 5 ounces. And then Momma's milk came in and it's been nonstop weight gain since then, little man! At one week you weighed in at 9 pounds even, and by 4 weeks old you weighed 10 pounds and 11 ounces! You were also 22 inches long. You've been consistently in the 75% for both height and weight thus far.

You have been such an easy baby, my beautiful boy. We didn't struggle to breastfeed, not in the slightest bit. You are content being swaddled in a comfy spot. You love your bouncer chair and swing, which is nice to see them actually getting used this time around! And you loooove your Momma. How is it that you already know my voice? If you hear me, and can't see me, you freak out. This can make car rides kind of tricky, so we listen to music while your big sister sings to you. But your biggest freak outs come in the way of diaper changes... man, you HATE those!

You came out of my womb looking so much like your Daddy! Your lips, your nose, your hairline, the shape of your face... so much reminds of him. I think your old Pops is pretty good lookin' with his masculine features, so I'm excited to watch you grow in his likeness. I love to watch Dad hold you, beaming with pride at the little miracle he helped create, seeing himself in you. There is truly nothing more amazing in this world.

Throughout your first month though, you have changed quite a bit. Perhaps looking a bit more like Alina with your big, round eyes? I'm not sure if you look at all like me, but you are perfectly adorable and look exactly like a Sebastian should look.

 

You are SO strong, Sebastian!!! It is really quite amazing! I'm hesitant to even say this, but since it happens nearly everyday and isn't an accident, I'll go ahead and make it official: you roll over. From your belly to your back. All the time. At 1 month old. Seriously, kid? That is AMAZING! You truly enjoy tummy time, and I am SO happy about that. {Your sister detested tummy time and was about 12 years old before she decided to roll over. Ha!} In general, you have a happy and contented temperament. Another Daddy characteristic that you are blessed with!

My no-longer-newborn baby, I have officially put away all your newborn clothes. You also have not worn newborn diapers for a couple weeks now. You simply do not fit in anything newborn. Upwards to size 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers. You are such a big boy, Sebastian!

I adore you, mi quierdo Hijo. Everyday I love you more. Everyday the reality of what your Dad and I are living soaks further into our minds... our dreams have become reality. And so much of those dreams was dependent on having you in our lives. I look forward to raising you and learning from you. I look forward to the love you will smother me with; the love a son holds for his mother. I can already sense it, too.

You are amazing, my sweet Sebastian, and I am totally in love with you. Forever and after forever.

Te quiero por siempre y despues de siempre,
Su Mama

Thankful Thursday {My First Gratitude Link Up}

Since being introduced to this link up by fellow blogger, Momma of Dos, I have wanted to get involved. Being and expressing gratitude is so very important, and something that I could stand to do more of.

Have you ever heard that the physical act of smiling can actually induce happiness? Something about the brain and body becoming aligned. I remember hearing that in college, and trying to smile and get happy while in the midst of a fight with an ex-boyfriend. Ha! Probably not the proper application in which to test that hypothesis. In any case, I think doing a link up like this may induce a similar reaction...

Express gratitude, be grateful. Practice makes perfect. Let's give it a go! Cheers to my first Thankful Thursday link with the adorable Julia Black of black tag diaries...

This Thursday, I am thankful for....

.... One of my first, most faithful readers {Shay!} for a sweet package of love sent from across the country and received 24 hours before I gave birth to Sebastian. I was incredibly humbled by her love of my family. She sent Alina a beautiful dress, perfect for Summer, a pack of practical onesies for Sebas {you can never have too many onesies!} and a couple thoughtful things for me; including the book Grace for the Good Girl in which she wrote a hand written note. Thank you, sweet Shay!

... I am eternally thankful for my healthy second child and his giant feet that Daddy D calls our retirement plan! Grow, big boy, grow!

... For little Sisters. Because God knows I would have not survived the past four weeks without her bugging helping me every single day. Love you, Seeser!

Thank you to Black Tag Diaries for hosting this awesome link up! Are you grateful for anything in particular this week? It's never too late to join in!

Personal Identity Project: Your Name, Your Brand

Whether you like it or not, your moniker impacts your identity. Your name announces to the world who you are, aspire to be and can certainly effect much of your life. Often times even before you are born, the world has come to know and judge you solely by the name given to you. A set of values and expectations, hopes and wants, set firmly on your unborn shoulders by the weight of the letters that encompass your name; your brand.

Is there any wonder why parents agonize over the decision of what to name their children? Daddy D and I certainly did. I imagine most parents, new and veteran, do too.

Having read articles siting statistics of uniquely named people not having equal access to jobs or being unfairly judged, we knew our kids' names would not be super original. I'm just not that girl who makes up a name and is confident enough to give it to my kid {kudos to those who are!}. Also, knowing that my kids are of mixed ethnicity {and will unfortunately deal with ignorance on some level} we purposefully named our children with a global mindset. D and I put a high value on open-mindedness and an appreciation of worldly perspectives, and because of that, sought out names that branded those values. Although our children are of African American and Cuban decedent, neither of their names are derived of those origins.

Contrarily, D and I are not your cookie cutter American couple.... we know that, and embrace it. We conscientiously signed up for the unique challenges that mixed couples {and mixed parents} face. We are fiercely protective of one another and stand proud of the beautiful family we have created. With that value in mind, Daddy D and I wanted names that would be heard in the playground as often as you might find another little mixed kid playing in it. Names that are not completely custom made, but not a run of the mill brand either.

The kids' middle names is where D and I took liberty in honoring people important to, not only us, but to our children. I felt like it was an opportunity to further create an identity for them.

Our beautiful Alina,

Your name evokes classic, yet strikingly creative, characteristics to me. I have never met another Alina. But you may be surprised to know, sweet Daughter, that your Daddy named you. Not I. One day, while having lunch at our favorite sandwich shop, your Dad told me about a dream he had the night before...

The three of us were at a park together; you were about four years old and had long, curly hair that was blowing in the wind as you ran away from us, face unseen. We called out to you.... Alina.

I loved your name from the instant your Dad uttered it, but being the anxiety ridden perfectionist that I am, had to do some research before settling on it. Being of Slavic {or Greek or Arabic or French, depending on who you ask} origin, the meaning of Alina is "illustrious, noble". You share your name with the daughter of Fidel Castro, the Cuban dictator, who fled her father's country for our land of the free. Just like my grandparents had done. Like me, she is a woman of her own desire; she does what she wants. A true rebel. With that, my love, you were named.

Your middle name is after your Auntie, who you love and adore with all of your two-year-old heart. Being Step Sisters is a distinction I will likely only make this once, because truly, she is so much more than just a sister... she is a best friend, a trusted confidant and will unconditionally love you in a way that I can only do. She is a woman of joy, generosity and commitment. She is optimistic in the face of crazy obstacles. She is secure and strong, yet gentle and beautiful. And I pray that you take after your namesake in these ways, too. We are all so lucky to have her in our everyday lives.

My Son,

Although true that your name was conceived in a much less romantic way, no less purpose or thought went into choosing your moniker. Naming you, Sebastian, was a task of true effort and consideration. The world is so different for men, my tiny baby boy, especially for men of color. I won't even begin to pretend to know how different. But as your Mom, I was determined to give you a beginning that is solid and strong. That was my top priority. Luckily, your Daddy is bonafide strong man, without needing a name to back him up, and was able to give you a name that is at once strong and gentle, familiar and unique. {Yes, Daddy named you too!} Sebastian is a classic European name, which affords us the cross cultural values that were important to us when naming your Sister. I was once told that your name sounded like a "stuck-up, rich kid's name"...and you know what? That's awesome! Be stuck-up, sweet Son! Don't ever let this crazy world get the better of you or your confidence. Of course, be humble, be gentle, but love and be kind to yourself too. And hey, being rich wouldn't be such a bad thing either!

Your namesake is a man I wish with all of my heart that you were able to know. Your Grandpa was a kind, loving man who succeeded in life through incredible work ethic. A true gentleman. He was committed to his family, and to your Dad especially. Your Dad loves your Grandpa unlike any person I've ever known to love a parent. Daddy's soul is, and will forever be, connected to your Grandpa's. And my hope by naming you after him is that you will also be connected to this astounding quality of man. Be the gentleman that your Grandpa was, that your Dad is, and your life will be filled with the love and sincerity that I pray it to be.

Your names are just the beginning of your identities, my perfect babies. You are so much more than "Alina" and "Sebastian", but your Daddy and I put our hearts into those names with hopes that they bring our values into the foundation of who you become.

I love you each forever. I love you each together. I love you each apart. I love you each on the inside, and I love the outside that the world will also see and love.

Te quiero por ahora, y por siempre,
Su Mama

When Perfect Isn't Possible

This past week was rough.

After what seemed like a perfect delivery, a perfect hospital stay, a perfect transition home to the perfectly behaved big sister, a "defect" was detected with our newborn son. My perfect newborn son.

For much of the last week, I was kind of a wreck. When crisis hits, I'm not the one you want on your team. I suck at holding it together. Forget about faking it through life; I'm a horrible liar. I wallow. Fear overwhelms me. Don't ask me how I'm doing if you aren't prepared to hear my sob story. And sob I did for the last seven days.

But the most intense emotion I carried with me is guilt.

The guilt. The guilt. The guilt.

That I've failed my son by not eating better, by missing vitamins, by enduring the stress of a move or by simply not focusing solely on his pregnancy. How could I have let this happen?

Today, our beautiful Sebastian turned 3 weeks old. Today it was determined that surgery would be necessary in the coming months. And that this wasn't my fault. I didn't make it happen, nor could I have changed it. At least I get some pathetic sense of relief for my self centered sentiments.

When perfect isn't possible, how do you keep it together? After a week of self loathing, a week of ignoring calls, ignoring responsibilities, I'm done. I'm sick of being sad about something that could be so much worse. Time to get up and join the ranks of happy parents with healthy kids. Because while this sucks right now, Sebastian is a perfectly healthy baby who will not suffer any long term effects of what he is going through.

Tonight, I remember a fellow blogger who was pregnant alongside me with a baby boy, and the tears I shed as I read her farewell post while holding my baby bump and praying mine would lead to a healthy child. I'm sure she would love to be dealing with these imperfections that have rattled my core so intensely, as opposed to grieving the loss of her baby.

Tonight, I remember that perfection isn't possible. Its overrated too.