I am very excited about this guest post from Jennifer of Hybrid Rasta Mama, and the perspective she shares with us today. The question of who you are first, or most, at your core is one that I ponder often. Am I mother first? Wife second? Who holds rank above the other?
Is it okay to let your personal identity be consumed with motherhood?
Being a product of divorce, two times over, I always swore my husband would come first. My mindset resting in the premise that my children would ultimately benefit from putting the security of my marriage before my identity as a mother.
Except actually becoming a mom changed my mindset entirely and I have found it extremely difficult to balance my identity as mother with the all the rest {wife, specifically}. My babies are so small; they need so much of me. My babies are so impressionable; they adsorb everything that I offer them. And, in terms of my role as a mother, I feel a strong desire to remained focused on them during these formidable years.
I agree with Jennifer: our identity changes over time and over the course of our children’s lives. There will be opportunities to share focus on other facets of life with those separate from motherhood. But, for me, that time has not yet arrived…
Although a long read, I hope you take the time to consider Jennifer’s message. As a new mom of two, it certainly struck at my core and excited me to know that other parents live like us… as a family and parents first and spouses second…. and still manage to lead committed, happy and successful marriages. I look forward to the time when D and I reconnect as husband and wife, but for now, just call me Mom.
Jennifer,
Because of your graceful honesty, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I want to thank you, from the bottom of my fragile heart, for giving me the courage to say:
As of today, I am mom first.
This is where my personal identity and core is. I won’t apologize. I won’t deny. I will simply say that, together with my like-minded husband, our children come first and above all else. It won’t always be that way, they won’t always need us like this, but for now: we are parents first.
Much love my friend,
Vanessa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My personal opinion on motherhood and the role of a woman as a mother has changed so much now that I am a mother. In fact, it changed in that first nanosecond when I felt my daughter being pulled feet first out of my womb. My previous life was no more.
My daughter recently turned three years old. For the past three years she has needed ME the majority of the time for a multitude of reasons. I think that this is true for many (READ: NOT ALL) babies and young children. Mama provides so many things that no one else can. I am passionate about my role as a mother and believe strongly in meeting all of my child’s needs. If this means making sacrifices in some of my personal relationships, then so be it. The time in which children are this young, and this dependent upon their mother, is so very short in the grand scheme of life. So I embrace it.
But I HAVE NOT LOST my identity as a wife, a daughter, or a friend. I am still me. I am still Jennifer. I still love reggae. I still like the same foods. I still love the ocean. I still enjoy the great outdoors. None of that has changed. I have just decided that certain things I used to enjoy doing can be put on the backburner for a while. I am a mother first. I am a wife second. I am a daughter third. I am a friend fourth.
EVERYONE in my life who matters understands this. They respect this. And we all have strong relationships. My husband and I are able to do little things to keep our relationship strong. We spend moments alone when we can and make that time count. But, we enjoy spending time together as a family more. We want our daughter to have a strong sense of family and to see that mommy and daddy enjoy being together, with her. We keep our problems to ourselves and work them out away from her. We both accept that right now, our relationship is about being parents – a mom and a dad. We are committed to keeping our relationship strong, united, loving, and respectful even if that means we do so by reconnecting in the small moments.
I am a mother first. I ALWAYS have to be a mother. The choices I make as Jennifer, the person other than mama, will effect who I might have to be as a mother at any given moment. So while my daughter is so very young and tender, I am careful about my choices. My choices are made through mommy lenses, not Jennifer lenses, not wife lenses, not daughter lenses. I am responsible for another human being, a life too young to live without me. I am not at all suggesting that anyone lose their identity when she becomes a mother. You just have to figure out the balance and blend that works for you.
I cannot end this post without commenting on husbands and families. First, a husband will hopefully be understanding of his children’s development and their personal needs and allow his wife to care for those needs uninhibited by spousal guilt, threats, control, or force. A husband will hopefully be as equal of a parenting partner as time and responsibilities allow. A husband will hopefully join his wife on their journey of molding their new relationships together as parents first, a couple second. A husband will hopefully enjoy the small moments with his wife and learn to connect and grow as a couple in a different way. A husband will hopefully respect the importance of his wife being a mother.In case you are a skip-the-middle-read-the-last-paragraph person, I want to emphasize that I embrace my role as a mother, have chosen by my own free will to put being a mother first (and feel in my soul that this is what I should do), feel that a mom is ALWAYS a mom no matter what, and understand that as my daughter gets older my role as a mom will shift and allow me more time to enjoy the other roles and relationships I have in my life. My husband and I are fine and will continue to cultivate our relationship. We do what is best for our family and I bless everyone doing what is best for theirs. The thing that I love most in this world is that human beings have an amazing ability to find their way in life and typically make the right choices along the way. Right for who? Maybe not you, but that is ok. Your journey is yours and yours alone.
About Hybrid Rasta Mama
Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama, is a former government recruiter turned stay-at-home mama to a precious daughter (“Tiny”) brought earthside in early 2009. She is passionate about conscious parenting, natural living, holistic health/wellness, real foods, and a Waldorf inspired approach to education. Jennifer is committed to breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), bed-sharing, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, playful parenting, and getting children outside. She is a hybrid parent, taking a little of this, throwing in a little of that, and blending it all together to create a parenting style that is centered on what her daughter needs in order to flourish as a human being. Jennifer also lives and breathes reggae music, the Rastafarian culture and way of life. Reggae music and its message touches her soul. 
Want to know where else to find Hybrid Rasta Mama?
Like Hybrid Rasta Mama on Facebook
Check Out Her Coconut Oil Ebook
very interesting post. many blessings to your children. they’re beautiful
I agree Mom first wife second I struggled to find the balance because I wanted to fit my career as being just as important at one time. It wasn’t until it all turned sour that i realized who really i needed to put first. Nothing else matters if my roles as mom and wife aren’t at 100% Again much like Jennifer this is my opinion. Thanks so much for sharing this!
I only had to think for a second to decide that I too am a mother first. At ages 10, 7, and 6, my kids are older but they still are very time consuming and need all my love and attention. I think my husband understands that they are first.
Great post and reflection on our roles as mothers and wives!
My mom was Mom first and still is, even to the exclusion of her needs as a wife and sexual woman. She never dated random men and was all about her children, and still is to a certain extent. As her daughter, however, I find that her choice to be Mom first puts a lot of pressure on me to be the best daughter. It hurts her when I don’t put her first because she did so for me. I talk a lot about this on Mamiverse where I write about mother/daughter relationships. Still, I wouldn’t trade Mami for the world. I do sometimes find myself wishing she would put her needs first and live her life for her, not her children. If only to save her from the disappointment and the loneliness that sometimes comes along…
What a wonderful article Vanessa.
And, it was great meeting you in person.
Thank you Vanessa for sharing Jennifer’s story with us. Jennifer I agree with you. I do feel that Motherhood is a lot easier when it’s shared by a Father as Parenthood. It’s worked out just fine for me this way for over 23 years now!
What a great read!
Always, always always… Mom first, wife second =)
I’m going to sound a little selfish here and say, I am in the role i need to be in the moment. sometimes, my kids are hanging all over me, and I know my husband needs me to be a wife, and i become a wife first. I always remember my own mom saying to me, “take the time to be a wife because one day the kids will be grown up and you’ll be left alone with your husband,” and i always think about that. Especially with 4 kids, my husband is super supportive and a great father, but I married him for him, not because I thought he would be a good dad someday. and, for me, I need that time away from my kids to remind me of the sexy, fun, smart, clever self i used to be before kids. So I don’t know that I could say that I am always a mother first. I love my children like no other, but I love me and my husband equally, and I personally cannot say that i would rank one higher than the other. And, I’ve grown to discover that I have no guilt about it either. Of course, to each his own. I love my life and feel like I get to enjoy me time, my husband and my children all equally…even if I am exhausted at the end of the day! Great post! Very thought provoking.