Personal Identity Project: Wife

With my cousin’s wedding behind us and Daddy D back to the grind after nearly two weeks at home, I’ve been doing some reflection on what it means to be his wife. The most loving act I have ever done for myself is marry my husband. By far. Without a doubt. Or a single hesitation. I love my husband, till death do us part…. and probably way after that too.

Just to be clear, we do argue and disagree. We don’t act like two school kids when we’re together, like the world will cease to exist if I couldn’t be near him. In the near decade of togetherness, we’ve had some hurdles that tested our resolve, like most any relationship does. I remember the morning I woke up and realized that I would marry him and commit my life to whatever ups and downs doing so entailed. My heart said “yes” well before my lips said “I do”.

But you want to know the most beautiful part of our my husband??? He’s never left me. For as insecure or nutso as I can be, he’s loved me through it. Having learned the most private nooks of my heart, he has tenderly healed the parts of me that weren’t so great. He is confident in who he is, and I’ve learned to be so also. He’s taught me how to love unconditionally…including loving myself. And he’s done that by simply being there for me, for years, consistently and purposefully. That’s it. Even still, there are days that I wonder how I lucked out in love with this one….

My past is not filled with exemplary marriages, to say the least. I can’t be the only girl that carries “man baggage”… trusting those mysterious creatures of the opposite sex is not something that came easy to me. Loving guarded is what I always did, before D. Isn’t it crazy how insecurities, in general, can limit you? Whether in love or career or anywhere in between, fear creates a false limitation to all you can achieve. Its so self sabotaging. I fully believe my life would not be so full without having put my fear aside, and took a risk on my beautiful man.

Nowadays, I think a healthy marriage is about being a great friend and knowing your spouse. For me, being a good wife to D means showing concern, giving attention, tending to his thoughts and pushing him to take better care of himself. That man loves being babied! It means making him a top priority, and not ignoring his needs {i.e. making my identity as wife a top priority}. He’s a sensitive soul and thrives when nurtured. And I can do that! He really isn’t very complicated at all. And in return, I have earned a partner in life that I trust.

My beautiful and amazing Daughter,

Just like there is no one alive or dead that could have kept me from your father, I know that when it comes to your choosing of a mate, I won’t have much say either. Love is crazy like that. My sincere and honest prayer is that I raise you into a strong woman who is prepared to make the best choices. Here are a few pieces of advice on love and marriage which I hope you hear one day:

I pray that you are mature and confident when you choose to marry; give yourself that opportunity, please! It takes maturity to learn your inner workings; please please please have the foresight to live a little before you choose a partner. I pray that you don’t need that person, as much as you thrive when that person is in your life. Be weary of a person that makes you feel insecure or deprived in your soul. NEVER allow a person to use their physicality to harm or threaten you. Let me tell you now: I have never been hit or called derogatory names by any man that mattered in my life. I expect you to hold that same firm expectation. Abuse, physical or emotional, is real and totally not okay. Give relationships time to form… you can really only tell the true nature of a person through experience, and time gives you that. Your Dad and I spent years together {we needed it!} before we were ready to commit to this life, and to you. And I truly pray you will not be afraid to walk away… anything you do as a couple, you can do alone. I promise you this! You are a strong woman! Don’t stay in a relationship because you are don’t want to be alone; that’s not good enough. I hope you choose someone with similar values, my sweet girl, and that includes finances. There are deceitful people everywhere…they come in every color, every religion and speak any language. And they certainly come in every gender. Look to your Daddy as an example of what a great man looks like. I pray you find one as great as him.

Alina, once you find that person. Treat them kindly. Work through issues, together. Stay true to the values you’ve built your life upon. Don’t be fair-weathered. Be loyal. Apologize. And learn your limitations in character, so that you can love with the best parts of you. The world will throw some hard times your way, and I love those challenges {only in hindsight}! In those moments, you will have the opportunity to grow closer, stronger or break apart under the pressure. Pick someone that will cement themselves into your heart, despite what life can dish out. There may not be the storybook “happily ever after”, but you have the opportunity to define what happiness looks like on a daily basis.

I love you forever, my beauty. And so does your Dad. I pray that you love and see the beauty in you, too.

Te quiero por siempre,
Su Mama