What If She Were A Boy?

A friend of mine invited us to her daughter’s AYSO soccer game over the weekend. Of course I was more than excited to catch a game and expose Alina to my all-time favorite sport.

While sitting on the sideline, with the familiar scenery of enthusiastic parents, referee whistles and broods of shrieking little girls moving about the field in one giant cluster, my attention was pulled to two little rugrats who were oblivious to the game. They were enthralled with their hot wheels, and I was enthralled with them. They just zoomed those cars on imaginary tracks for a good long while, only looking up to fight off an intruding hand or if their Mom wanted to bug them about something. They were not needy. They were not cuddly. They really didn’t even notice anything but their cars. I felt like I was spying in on a secret world, a strange land of cars and trucks and dirt. Boys are so strange to me!

I am a total girl’s girl. Not to say I am a girly girl, just that I very much love being a woman. Also not to say that I am an all out feminist, just that I very much think woman are the best thing since sliced bread. I adore the women in my life, those I hold close to my heart. I am enthralled by best selling women, who can write their worlds into a paper bound experience that lifts my soul when nothing else can. I can sit and listen to Stevie Nicks for hours. Or Erykah Badu. Or The Dixie Chicks. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to relate to men, but sometimes they are really very strange to me. I have maybe two guy friends, both of whom are especially sensitive and tender on the man spectrum. They have never hurt my overly sensitive nature with harsh, man-type joking. I guess that goes for the women in my life too: they aren’t especially kind and not hateful or catty.

I’m just not good at taking jokes, but they love me anyway. My two Brothers drove me nuts when they were kids, but as adults {and near adults}, I relish in their loving embrace. They are truly the best kind of Brothers. But honestly, in general, boys are just strange to me.

My most faithful blog commenter, Emma Kay, is the mother of three handsome boys. Any chance she gets she comments on one day having a girl. I have a Sister-in-law that has four boys and asks for a weekly picture of Alina. When my Step-Mom was pregnant with my baby Brother, I can remember her saying over and over, “I don’t know what to do with a boy!”. They undoubtedly adore their boys. Without a doubt in this world they cherish their babies like none other. But I wonder if they think boys are strange, too? When I think of these fantastic Moms of men-to-be, I wonder if I could do it too. Raise a good, solid, strong, yet gentle man?

Sometimes I wonder: what if Alina were a boy?

Would I be a different kind of parent? Of course I would love him the same as I love Alina {right?}, but would I parent him differently because of his gender? Do I parent Alina differently because of her’s? I know my Husband would parent his son differently than he fathers Alina. He outright says he is and will be more protective with a daughter than he would be with a son. I would love for a son of mine to grow into the kind of man my Husband is, so maybe that’s a good thing. I’m not sure if my very womanly identity would grow a boy into the kind of man I admire… super strong and secure, yet kind and sensitive.

But, I hope I don’t parent them differently though. Not in the fundamental ways, anyhow. Every kid has different needs, to be sure, but I don’t think that parenting styles should differ based solely on gender. In the ways I hope a son would grow to be, I hope the same for Alina. I want her to be strong and secure, tempered with kindness and sensitivity. But in terms of manliness, I’m afraid I would raise a big giant whimp.

Anyhow, she isn’t a boy. She’s a girl. I know how to do girl. We’ll have to wait and see if strange is in my future or not. My Husband certainly hopes so!

Comments

Emma Kay says:

April 5, 2011 at 2:27 am

Thanks for the link – it’s ALWAYS ok ;D

I know how you feel, because I always felt like that but in reverse. I always thought I would not know what to do with a girl, but now that I have my boys, I know that I definitely will know what to do with her, if I’m ever blessed that way. I would love to be able to show someone how to knit and crochet, but I’m afraid she’ll have to grow up, learn and then teach ME all about make-up But hey, growing up with 3 big brothers (or 4 if I’m super-blessed) she may not want to sit inside knitting with Mummy ;D I actually don’t really think my boys are strange, in the “they’re boys” sense. Sometimes, Adrian particularly, they’ll do something that I think is strange, but would think strange of a girl anyway. I think it’s just their individuality. I don’t hinder the “boys will be boys” stereotype, but I embrace it as a starting point with them, and then get to know THEM. Yes, my boys think farts are hilarious. Yes, they’re quite impressed and interested in their willys. And I just run with it. I don’t ever let them be rude about it, but I let them enjoy the naturalism of our bodies and the funny things they can do, and I also make sure they know there are some things they can only do in private and not out in public.

I’ve always heard that boys are easier, and can totally see why. For instance, those boys couldn’t care less who’s sitting next to who, who’s plait is neater than who’s, they just see their cars. And although boys are very loud and yes, they can and do squeal, they’re supposedly quieter too. I don’t know, I think if you get any group of kids they’ll be loud.

I think parenting will be slightly different. Sure there shouldn’t be different rules like one is allowed to watch more tv than the other or allowed to speak disrespectfully, but differences will be there. And I think it’s in the trying to do away with the differences, that they will grow up without some virtues. And it’s not always just between the genders. If you have two brothers, and the oldest is great at basketball, and the younger one is actually great at science, but is assumed athletic too, and the younger one grows up feeling pressure because he just can’t “get” basketball, then he will grow up much more self-conscious than if his scientific mind was acknowledged and encouraged. Likewise, more often than not, boys are into cars and trucks and other “boyish” things, and girls are into dolls and butterflies and other “girlish” things. Some people think that that is wrong. Why on earth is that wrong? Sure, if you have a girl who just really doesn’t like brushing a doll’s hair and you force it onto her, than it’s unfair and confusing for her, but I think it’s safe to just assume at the beginning she will, and if you find out she doesn’t, then find something she does like. But at the end of the day, boys are different to girls.

I actually think having a mother like you would cause a son to be a stronger and gentler man because he can see the differences between men and women, and that women are fantastic and should be loved like women. And I think the security comes from parenting a child as an individual, regardless of gender.

And remember, even though we’re with them more, they do have their daddys. And I’m sure he’d love to be the one to show him how to do tough, manly things. Embrace the differences and allow them to be our strengths rather than try to fight them.

{And I think in addition to being the most faithful commenter, I’m probably the one who goes on and on the most too ;D}

De Su Mama says:

April 5, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Yes! Thank God for Daddies!

And I hope my readers know that I used the term “strange” in the most loving sense imaginable.

If I am so blessed, I would be thrilled to have my own little strange to raise and love!

Chantilly Patiño (@BiculturalMom) says:

July 28, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I’ve thought about this many times too and I’m convinced that I would parent both genders mostly the same. I’m raising a pretty tough “tomboy” right now and would love to raise a sensitive “mama’s boy” as well…lol.

If I can raise my girl a little tougher and a boy a little softer, maybe it will even out despite society’s take on gender…you know?

Anyway, thought this was a great post and just wanted to congratulate you again on your new “little man”!